My thoughts and feelings at random points in my life, as colorful and scattered as I am... As crazy and as simple as you can see...
Sunday, October 7, 2007
When it rains it floods
Funny the title is, not really. Supposedly when it rains it pours, yes it does but sometimes it leaves more, flood waters that you are forced to wallow in.
I'm in the middle of a tremendous change. Work, then a little tampuhan sa bahay kahapon, things that I can usually handle. However, this one will leave a mark, this one will leave flood waters that will take forever to empty.
I will miss you my dear Kirbie, my faithful pal, my baby and my pet. Unfortunately, I lost the life of my beloved miniature schnauzer around midnight. Totally unprepared for it, totally surreal. We never made it to Makati Dog and Cat Hospital at Rockwell, he had a seizure just when we got off the cab and that was his last breath, his little heart stopped beating and we tried to revive him, the vet tried to, but no use. Life is so short, just early in the morning he was frolicking around the yard, got a lil sick but would still follow me everywhere around the house, then tragedy strikes he was just 3 months of age. I will miss my lil' furball, its my fault too you know, should have been there always. However, he will remain in my heart and my remaining dogs will forever be loved.
Change as they say is the only constant thing in life. As the pages of my favorite comicbook says, "The Phoenix burns what does not work." So I choose to evolve than be judged and burnt. I wish that it was as simple as that, but no. You know what happens when you feel linked and connected to people? You start to open up care and make sure that they are well off. In this case it is my turn to give back.
I love and respect the people that I have worked with in TQA-Outbound and as a way of honoring that, I'm trying to be a solution. To avoid bringing down scrutiny and unfavored justification, I volunteered to leave to provide balance. Though it pains me I know this decision can halp save a ship full with people that matters to me.
A respect to a mentor and a teacher who have taught me a lot and believd in me. So as to not force his hand to relieve anyone or make amore heart wrenching decision, especially delivering such a world shaking news.
Knowing that this dynamic group could survive in the harshes of weather. I know that my abscence can prevent further weathering, makes me proud of this decision. I know they still have their heart.
I pray that they will thrive and grow once more and perhaps when the time is right or when they can once again can spread their branches and deepen their roots I could return. That is something I look forward to.
Again, what is a telenovela without the kontrabida, right? I pride myself with being the anti-hero. However, with the messages I received lately, I'm surprised that I did touch lives and left a mark.
I miss you guys and I will see you soon. Good Bless and forget me not.
I don't know if I'm just unlucky or is it that I'm lucky that I'm a magnet for disaster. Things that I ponder, its just now that I believe you can't have everything. Now that I'm ready for changes and now that I'm willing to change, things happen so fast, amazingly in a flash, today you have everything the next moment the one of most value to you drifts away.
Its not hard to explain it, it is my fault, no questions about that. It was just a few days ago I have put everything bad at work to rest. I made peace with my self and made a vow that I'll be a beacon for others instead of a sponge. Then there was the incident with the stairs, like OK. Now that I've decided to turn a new leaf I'm temporarily disabled. To make things worse, I'm alone. Well loneliness is everyone's constant companion, absent only on certain occassions. Its when I wanted to show people around me that I am now trust worthy, the craziest things happen. Jinx or not I'm planning to get over it, immediately. I just needed to rest this foot and when I come back, work will be my forte, perfection my recipe, assisting those at work my passion and caring for my angel my mission. This is a pledge to those who gave me a chance and to the heavens above, a pledge with conviction a desire to rise above the negativity around me. If a lot of people around can do it so can I and this time, yes this time I am true and honest to myself. I'm done being mediocre, being temporarily insane.
This time I have a focus a catalyst for bad to be good, and I promise you my angel this is true. I will be your rock this time. This time no excuses, I'm going to take care of you as long as you are here. I feel its not gone but rather now I feel your care your golden hands at work. This time making me realize that I should do things for the better and things for the wiser. Yes you are right, maybe I grew up too soon but now I'm all grown up and should be mature about it. Not just emotionally but mentally as well. Technical things you learn from school and work, but lessons in life only by encountering them. You've been my greatest teacher and biggest fan, now that you've released the tether, now that I'm cast adrift I will prove to you I can navigate my way through the stormy seas, that this time around I can guide you straight back to shore, no worse or tear, no fears no hesitations. I am here for you as you did the same for me before. I know this is your way of helping me, because I can still feel the beat of your heart and it still beats for me. I will carry us through, our dreams will come true, honestly my love will show you this and make it real for you, for us. Give me that grain of trust and I will make it grow in strength with branches that can support us, our lives and aspirations. That I ask of you, I know I've been crazy but never evil nor did I flutter to another garden because of fragrant flowers, but stayed here trying to cultivate what we have. Now I know my methods are antiquated and have faltered through time. My biggest mistake was being to comfortable, but now its time that you lay back and I take over the reigns. This time it will be different, this time I will make you happy and proud of me. My dearest angel I love you.
A line I thought I'd never hear again or use for that matter. Yet here again, these words are coming from me and this time they have a different meaning. A different context to a chapter I wanted closed, a chapter I almost forgot, well almost...
Remember, it was the same season, the same month a year ago. That's too long ago, a lifetime for me. However, it's still very clear, very real and coming back. I never thought I'd see you or hear from you ever again, and here you are knocking at the threshold of my heart, asking to be let in.Is this real, is this really you,you have changed a lot since we've crossed paths, since that time...that moment... To be honest it's a surprise, yet it's good to see you again finally, it was just a matter of time I reckon.
I remember when I saw you, I didn't even recognize you, you reached out and called and to my surprise there you were. The object of my affection a lifetime ago now just a heartbeat away. I thought it would be simple, just a "Hi' and a "Hello," to my surprise you pursued me. A flame long gone, being callously reignited, looking for embers that may burn bright as day once again for you.
An invitation, a plea, a surprise call, all of which I dread. Because knowing I don't feel for you anymore, neither do I have the heart to crush your dreams and tear your heart with what I know I would say. I guess you already have an idea of what my reply would be. I'm sorry, I just can't tell you personally it'll kill me to see you in pain or seeing your flames of hope extinguished. I may no longer be yours but I know you are a great personand I don't have the heart to hurt you, you were dear to me and you at least deserve that respect.
For once in my life, I can now decide and I am free. I'm so sorry, I know we have been through a lot and I said and I guess we've agreed that if we were meant to be we will find each other. However, I guess that's not the case anymore. I have found where I rightfully belong and I gave my heart to someone else. I know you sacrificed a lota and that you still feel for me. I don't want to betray anyone so I cannot agree nor consent to what you propose. I did trust you before and that was broken, it doesn't affect "the now" but more of how special I feel for this new person. It breaks my heart that I know I might be breaking yours, we used to perfect together now this person perfects me in more ways than one that I fel whole, complete, I just hope you can respect that fact as well. I'm not crying anymore nor am I torn, I found my peace and my love. I hope you find yours as well, goodbye and thank you.
Name: LOUIE Home: Mandaluyong City, Metro Manila, Philippines About Me: Oh! Moi! Hmm...How do I define thee? I guess I'm your average mild mannered regular hell-god hehe. Just a person trying live life with the most that I have and make the most of it as well. A soul who wants to proove himself and let others see the otherside of me, like the mystery of dark side of the moon, always there waiting for someone to gaze up and find it.However, I do pack a verbal wallop every now and then. I love listening to people and sharing my stories too, though it may look like I crave attention by doing so. But, the truth is I just want people to hear enough just in case I might strike a glimmer of inspiration or a sliver of advice with what I meant to impart on my oh so fabulous rant. Seriously, I love peace and serenity, a lazy day on a hammock, a dazzling sunset by the seaside or tea at the porch. Easy to please, expects less and very amiable. See my complete profile
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